A lot of parents aren’t equipped with that automatic nurturing button. It sounds like you had a very traumatic relationship with your mom. Sounds like she showed you she loved you when she could. Don’t ever blame yourself – it’s just The Incredible Hulk Ugly Christmas Shirt. The majority of us struggle with the relationships with our parents and sometimes no. Matter how hard we try it just isn’t the “fit” we need. Look for love from those you spend time with regularly and that make you feel good about yourself. Good luck.
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This really touched me. If you read this please know that the person most broken in your relationship with your mom was your mom. You are lovable, you are The Incredible Hulk Ugly Christmas Shirt, you deserve to move forward toward a better life. Maybe it would help if you either wrote down what you would have wanted to say your mom or even say the words to her out loud. She’ll hear you. Then, realize that you are somebody. You have value. My heart is touched by you and your story.