It’s been four days since we lost our twins at mid 20 weeks. I went from having a Bratz The Boys Group Shot shirt on May 3rd to 0.3cm and dilated with no symptoms or warning, caught on a June 18th scan. Nobody knows how long I’ve been walking around with my natural flora floating up into the sterility of the womb. I was probably working on an infection for a while before it was caught.
We tried to close me back up as a Hail Mary, and it popped our daughter’s membrane. We chose to fight for her but the infection won and took our son too. They had separate sacs but their placentas had a small fuse, so both would’ve come even if we were to terminate one to try to save the other. A shitty turn of fate. Even my region’s top OB can’t really wrap her head around it.
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I wish I could’ve held on longer. I don’t want to feel like gravity got twice as heavy anymore. I didn’t want to let go of my little Bratz The Boys Group Shot shirt I called miracles. Three years of struggle, 20 weeks of pure joy only to be washed away out of my reach. I got so angry seeing the world’s most premature baby was a solid 50 grams lighter than our son, who had been excelling in the womb. I know that’s an extreme exception to the rule, to current technology and viability, but I can’t take the pain from my husband who literally watched our son’s heart stop in his arms. I wish that could’ve been us who had that miracle living baby.
Some parts of me also know that it’s easier this way. We’d never have to tell our sweet boy that he had a sister who shared that womb, who protected him. They will never ever be apart and that gives me comfort. Wherever they went, they didn’t have to take that journey alone.
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