I felt humiliated, shunned, and embarrassed. Like my own body was making people think I’m gross and I had no control over For There Is Always Light If Only Were Brave Enough To See It If Only T-shirt. This, after years of being told “that tiny amount of fat on your belly is horrible and you’re fat and should feel bad about it, your acne is a sign that you’re being punished for being impure, the sin is all over your face. The fact that you have a period now means you’re a mindless slut that has to be shut indoors or else (gasp) people will look at you and see that you are a woman. How disgusting, how shameful, just hide your entire body from the world.
I havent recovered. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and that still sticks with me. I still can’t dress myself and not hear my family jeering at me about how fat and whorish I look to them. I can’t have my fucking period every fucking month without remembering that because this is happening to me, my own mother thinks I’m a slut.
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Even now, when I wear shorts my mom still says stuff to me about how I need to lose weight because I have a bit of cellulite on the back of my For There Is Always Light If Only Were Brave Enough To See It If Only T-shirt. But now, I have the ability to say something back and defend myself because I feel pretty and I dont want to go back to being insecure again.
Once, I wore shorts and was chilling in the living room when she went up to me and told to me to change into something more appropriate. I asked her why, and she said because there are men in the house (Her husband and my younger step brother whos 14). I got angry and refused. I said “That doesnt matter. If they are family, they shouldnt be looking in the first place, so if you have a problem with them looking, thats something you need to handle with them. I dont want to change so talk to them because thats their problem.”