Wow – this is some heavy stuff. I can see both sides of this Yermin mercedes the yerminator shirt , from what you have written here. On FDH’s side, your mother has an intense Just NO! NO! NO! history. Really, just because she was physically violent only once with you and once with your sister, that doesn’t mean that she wasn’t terribly abusive. Just because your JNFMIL was worse doesn’t mean that your mother didn’t commit CPS-level abuse against you and your sister, and your FDH may have a clearer perspective on just how abusive she was. On your side, you have seen serious improvement (which is great!) in the recent past.
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If you don’t have children yet, there is time to observe your mother’s Yermin mercedes the yerminator shirt . If she remains clean and sober, if she treats people with respect, if her behavior in situations where you can see her indicates that she has become a responsible adult in spite of her past, and if she can acknowledge her previous bad behavior, express genuine remorse, and make whatever amends are possible (she can’t really make up for turning you into a full-time babysitter when you should have been having a childhood), especially if she can regain custody of your baby sister and you can see her in action with a young child, and once children of your own become a serious possibility, then it may be time to sit down with FDH and revisit whether it would be reasonable to allow her to babysit.